Ten Survival Tips for Early Pregnancy After Loss

A gentle congratulations to you! Chances are, if you’re reading this you recently saw two pink or blue lines pop up on a pregnancy test. And chances are, you’ve seen those lines before, and it’s ended unexpectedly in a loss. 

So, first, my heart goes out to you. I’m sure you’re excited and anxious and overjoyed and terrified, all at the same time. And I can only imagine that you’re afraid to get your hopes up. Afraid to get too attached. Afraid of the what-ifs. And, guess what? That is totally normal! It means you are human, that you have loved before, and that you already love this new tiny human. 

Pregnancy after loss is incredibly hard, and early pregnancy after loss can feel like the hardest couple of weeks of your life. Often, you are still grieving and you feel like you’ll be crushed under the weight of fear. But you can still have joy, you can still thrive, and you can still have a fulfilling, hope-filled pregnancy. 

So here are ten tips for surviving early pregnancy after loss:

1. Acknowledge all of your feelings.

Feelings are so varied when you find out you are pregnant again after a previous loss. You might feel anxious, sad, guilty, fearful, joyful, overwhelmed, thrilled, relieved, etc. (And, often, all of those things at the same time!) No one person only feels one feeling, and no one person feels the same way as another. But every feeling is valid. And every feeling is worth acknowledging. It’s only when we acknowledge a feeling can we truly understand our responses, and only then can we begin to work through what lies ahead in a healthy way. 

2. Consider working on trying to feel attached to this baby.

I know this sounds funny, but so many moms admit to being afraid to connect with a baby during pregnancy after loss. You’ve lost a baby before. You know what the worst case scenario looks and feels like. And that fear of getting too attached too soon is so real. But hear me out. This baby is alive right now. Whether they live through the whole pregnancy, or whether they leave you much too soon, you can choose to love and connect with him/her right now. Oftentimes, moms who don’t allow themselves to love and bond with their unborn baby report feeling guilty later. If the baby passes away, bereaved mothers may blame themselves for never forming a connection with their baby. If the baby lives, these moms may feel guilty about not forming an attachment earlier. 

As a side note, if you didn’t allow yourself to connect with a previous baby/pregnancy, you are not at fault for anything that happened. You did the best you knew how. You are still a good mother. 

3. Tell someone you trust.

I know that thought is scary. I know you’re afraid. But there are people in your life who love you. People who were your rock when you lost a baby will be your rock now. Sometimes, we’re afraid to tell someone at the beginning of pregnancy for fear that we may lose this baby too. Friend, telling someone will not change the outcome of this pregnancy. But, it can help to get the news off your chest and it will give you support during the coming weeks and months. So, who is that person for you? A mom? A grandma? A best friend? Find someone that you can share your hopes and fears with- someone who will support you, encourage you, and maybe even laugh and cry with you. 

4. Schedule a doctor’s appointment.

Ask for a blood draw to test hCG, progesterone, and estrogen levels. Ask for progesterone and estrogen supplements if those levels are low. Start taking a prenatal vitamin as soon as you learn you’re pregnant and ask for your doctor’s opinion on the best one so you can be giving your body (and your baby!) everything it needs right now. A doctor can also support you by prescribe medications to help with any morning sickness or anxiety you may be feeling. While medications may not be best for everyone, they can be extremely helpful for many women during pregnancy after loss. A doctor who knows your history can also be a huge support to have in your corner. They know you. They know your situation. And, often, they will do what they can to help you have the smoothest experience possible. 

5. Take care of your body.

Drink plenty of water. Eat nutritious meals. Sleep well. Exercise (gently). These are the foundations of human health, and they impact mental health so much. You cannot think clearly if your body is not functioning well. And you will likely struggle so much more with anxiety if your body is not healthy. 

6. Fill your day.

Have you ever noticed how when you aren’t busy, you spiral into anxiety so much faster? Keeping your body busy is a helpful part of keeping your mind busy so you don’t focus too much on the what-ifs. Schedule a fun date night with your partner. Take your mom or a mother-figure in your life out to lunch. Meet up with your girl friends for coffee. If you have living children, take them to the park, or go over to a friend’s house for a play date. Make a goal to read X number of books during the first trimester. Go to a concert for your favorite band. Mindless distraction (read, binging Netflix) is one million per cent OK too. Find some things that will help you get your mind off your fears like a new hobby or an event that will help you enjoy life during this time. 

7. Give yourself grace.

If the plans you made don’t work out, don’t beat yourself up about it. You are literally growing a human, and that is hard work! Take an extra nap. Order take-out if you need to. Don’t make the bed. Let the toddler watch Paw Patrol or Gabby’s Dollhouse all day. Taking care of yourself, your mental health, and the baby inside of you is your first priority- and other things may have to be placed on the back burner. And that is 100% OK! I read somewhere this quote: “Remember, you are in a tough season, you’re not here to strive, just survive.” It’s perfectly fine to just survive today. 

8. Fill your mind with what is true.

Your anxiety is so real and so valid. You have seen the worst case scenario come to pass before and you know the very real possibility that it can happen again. But, rather than dwelling on that, remind yourself what is true today. You are pregnant right now. Your baby is growing today. You are safe and your baby is safe right now. You are a mom. 

9. Put affirmations (or Bible verses) where you can see them.

I know this one goes along with number 8, but hang with me. Affirmations are a great way to continue to fill your mind with truth. You can find thousands of them on Pinterest, Instagram, blogs like this, etc. Write down the affirmations that resonate with you, then put them where you can see them. Some of my favorite places to put affirmations are: the bathroom mirror, the window above my kitchen sink, my nightstand, the end tables in the living room, the rearview mirror in my car, a pocket in my purse, etc. I’ve even been known to replace wall art with framed affirmations or Bible verses that I need to fill my mind with on any given day. 

10. Accept help.

Whether that help comes from your partner, a coworker, your mom, or your best friend, it’s OK to accept help. I think, sometimes, we’re afraid to ask for help or to let someone serve us because we feel like that will be admitting weakness. On the contrary, it takes so much strength to let someone be of help to us. Admitting you can’t do it all (because no human can “do it all”!) is so healthy and so incredibly important. Ask someone to pick up groceries for you or make dinner. Text a friend to see if she can watch the toddler so you can clean the house. Whatever you have to do to keep your head above water is worth it for your mental health. 

Bonus: Hire a doula.

Doulas are professionally trained to support you during pregnancy and birth. Most doulas also have training in supporting your mental health needs, as well. A doula who understands loss and pregnancy after loss can be a powerful source of support. They understand where you are, and they are armed with the tools to be able to support you and encourage you moving forward throughout your pregnancy after loss. 

Pregnancy after loss is hard. It may be the hardest thing you’ve faced up to this point. But it doesn’t have to be. You don’t have to be controlled by anxiety and what-ifs. It is absolutely possible to have joy throughout this new pregnancy. We’re all rooting for you!