Why Halloween Can Be Particularly Hard After Pregnancy Loss & Infertility
Anyone who has been through infertility or pregnancy or infant loss knows that holidays can be hard. When I was in the middle of my 7-year journey with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss, I dreaded the holidays. I remember really investing a lot of emotional energy in preparing for Christmas and Thanksgiving, Mothers Day and Fathers Day, my Birthday and our anniversary, but one holiday that always seemed to catch me off guard was Halloween. We don’t always think of Halloween as an especially triggering or difficult holiday, but Halloween can be ridiculously hard for anyone who is grieving. I want to talk about why Halloween can be especially difficult for those of us who are grieving, and also share a few ideas and tips with you to identify some ways you can really care for yourself not only today, but throughout the upcoming holiday season.
Some of the pain and grief that those of us who have experienced infertility or pregnancy loss may feel on Halloween might be obvious: it’s a holiday widely centered on children. Children dressed up in princess dresses and superhero capes, filling our neighborhood streets with laughter, candy, and coordinating family or matching sibling costumes.
For anyone experiencing infertility, it is all a reminder of what we are desperately waiting for, hoping for, or praying for: a baby to put in a pumpkin for a photo, a tiny trick-or-treater’s hand to hold, a bucket of candy to hide, or that coordinating family costume you’ve been planning or dreaming about for years.
For anyone who has lost a baby, it’s all a reminder of your little trick-or-treater that you know is missing from the neighborhood streets. A should’ve been 8 year old. A would’ve been a kindergartner. A trick-or-treater who could’ve dressed as Elsa or Anna, as Batman or Superman, as a mermaid or a firefighter.. Or even a ghost. For you Halloween is yet another reminder of what could have been.. What would have been.. What really should have been.
And as anyone who has lost someone we love know.. we don't need Halloween to tell us that these reminders of what could have been, would have been, and should have been are everywhere.
We lost our first baby to miscarriage just days after seeing their heart beating on the ultrasound screen in May of 2014 and then we lost our second in October- right before Halloween. I remember that first Halloween after knowing death in such a new, real, and intimate way just feeling so much disgust and deep hatred for every neighborhood or office halloween decoration insensitively and unapologetically reminding me of death and the losses we had experienced.
Halloween and all of its imagery was an inescapable reminder of my actual, experienced, real-life nightmare. And it was truly haunting.
While none of my 9 babies I lost in pregnancy were ever placed in a coffin, buried in a cemetery, or have a headstone to visit, seeing plastic headstones and empty coffins all over town still packed a real gut punch. They reminded me of the funerals we didn’t get to have and the babies we didn’t get to bury. The babies whose tiny features were never admired or kissed. The babies whose tiny bodies were never gently placed in a coffin, but instead ended up in toilets, trash cans, and in small plastic bags in a cold operating room labeled “biohazard waste”.
While my babies have no headstones or gravesites, I can only imagine how seeing these things around Halloween must feel to any bereaved parent who has had to pick out a tiny coffin or headstone for their baby. To have to go through that process of burying someone you love deeply… and to visit their gravesite- a place that was thoughtfully and lovingly chosen for them as a place of peace and rest… to then see plastic headstones and skeletons all over town depicted in such a scary and frightening way… it all feels exponentially cruel.
I think for me, even worse than depicting cemeteries and coffins in a scary way was when I would see death portrayed in almost a “cutesy” or funny way. The first thing that comes to mind is a particular halloween t-shirt that I see often used to make a Halloween pregnancy announcement, or that pregnant women will wear during the Halloween season. I see it every single year- you probably do too and may already know the one I’m talking about. The shirt has the woman’s skeleton/rib cage and maybe arm bones and it also has a baby skeleton in her belly. Sometimes the baby skeleton might even have a little pink bow on it or sometimes the shirt or the announcement might say “mummy to be” or something like that.
As anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss knows, it is such a strange feeling being pregnant with death. The feeling of knowing that a death- or even multiple deaths- occurred INSIDE of my own body.. it felt like my body was a coffin. Only I couldn’t just bury the coffin and leave the cemetery.. I was forced to carry it with me everywhere I went. I was trapped inside it.
Seeing that maternity shirt was probably the most painful halloween trigger of all for me, because I knew that whoever was wearing it was pregnant with a baby that was very much alive, and probably had no idea what it was like to be pregnant with a baby who was dead.
Halloween and everything about it felt hypocritical. Everyone seemed to really enjoy and have fun with all of the imagery of death around Halloween… just as long as it wasn’t real.
But the scariest thing is that for many of us, it isn’t just imagery. The death is real. And the reminders are everywhere.
Halloween is different from some of the other difficult or triggering holidays because we can’t necessarily “skip” it or hide from it or choose to avoid it. Sure, we can skip the parties if we want to.. but Halloween isn’t just something we “go to”.
Halloween and all the triggers that come with it come to you… they come to your home… they ring your doorbell or knock on your front door… Over and over and over again.
Even if you do try to hide and avoid the knocks and the doorbell rings, you still hear them and the giggles and laughter on the other side. And even if you try to drown out the noise with a movie or show or a podcast or even the vacuum cleaner, your dog probably still barks and jumps up and runs to the door, giving you away and letting the entire neighborhood of trick-or-treaters know you are at home, after all.
So what do you do?
How can you love and care for yourself on Halloween?
Put out the candy, or don’t.
Do whatever feels right for you. It really is ok if you skip Halloween. You’re not being a “witch” if you honor your needs and care for yourself! You can turn off your front porch lights and remove any decorations that would invite trick or treaters. Even if it’s not Halloween decor, you could bring in the doormat that says “welcome”, bring in your pretty pumpkins, and make your house as uninviting as possible. Most parents steer their children away from homes that have the lights off or are not decorated for Halloween. You could even go as far as putting a sign in your yard that says “we are not home- no candy here”. If they know there’s no candy, or if the candy is already out in a bowl, they most likely won’t knock or ring the doorbell. Everyone knows the kids are really just interested in the candy and collecting as much as they can as quickly as they can! So make it obvious to them if your house is one to skip this year.
2. Treat yourself in some way.
Halloween obviously feels like mostly one big bag of tricks for those of us in the midst of infertility and pregnancy loss, so take advantage of any opportunity you can to have a treat!
Maybe you go out for dinner or book a massage. Maybe you go to the movies. Or maybe you stay home, turn off all the lights, ignore any knocks or doorbell rings, and build a blanket fort with your partner. You can light a candle, pour yourself a nice glass of wine, pop some pop corn, and watch a movie together. My husband and I started building blanket forts in our bonus room at some point during our journey with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss, and it’s been the sweetest tradition that we still do today. Blanket forts are not just for kids, and somehow, cuddling in a blanket fort makes everything just a little bit better.
And remember, Halloween candy is also not just for the kids.
You don’t need to justify enjoying some Halloween candy, but if you needed another reason to splurge on your favorite candy bar today, studies have shown that eating a few pieces of chocolate stimulates your body to produce serotonin and dopamine- which are those amazing reward system neurotransmitters in our brain that help us “feel good”. And they actually LOWER stress levels. Dark chocolate specifically also contains flavonoids and arginine, which can also boost your mood!
Plus, If you’re trying to conceive, eating dark chocolate can also help to promote blood flow to the uterus and ovaries. Raw cacao beans are loaded with iron, calcium, zinc, magnesium, and potassium- all important minerals that help maintain hormonal balance and optimize egg and sperm health.
But again, I hope you don’t feel like you need an “excuse” or that you need to find a way to justify eating some candy. Even if there were zero health benefits to eating chocolate, I would still 100% encourage you to have a treat this Halloween- and anytime, really. Maybe you’re not a chocolate-lover like me and chocolate isn’t really your thing. Maybe you’d rather have something sour, something juicy, or something spicy. Maybe you feel really disconnected and you don’t even know what sounds good to you. If you’re unsure, I challenge you to take a few minutes, sit with yourself, and ask. What would taste really good to me right now? What is my body telling me? Am I craving something hot or cold? Savory or sweet? Soft or crunchy? Sour, rich, mild, or spicy? Fruity or nutty? Really listen to your body, identify something you’re craving, and treat yourself to it.
Listening to your body, honoring what it’s telling you, and giving yourself what you want or need is one really great way to love and care for yourself.
3. Give yourself grace.
No matter what you decide to do this year, give yourself some grace. Whether you are going through infertility or have experienced loss, there is very real loss and grief there. Do whatever it is that YOU need.
4. Find the support you need.
Maybe you need more support this holiday season. I know Halloween is just the first of many holidays approaching over the coming weeks. I am excited to be offering a holiday support group again this year, launching in November and taking us through January. In the group, we will cover topics like:
Preparing for and managing grief triggers
Implementing strategies and practicing coping skills
Managing expectations- both for yourself and others
Setting boundaries
Navigating relationship challenges
Creating a strong support system
Honoring your journey
Caring for your body, heart, mind, and soul
You can learn more about holiday support groups and signups are now open now at the link below. Signups will close in mid November or when all slots are filled, so if this sounds like something that would be helpful to you I would sign up today! I hope to see you there.
