Navigating Sex and Intimacy After Infertility, Miscarriage, or Infant Loss
Sex can be many things. It can be beautiful. Fun. Wild. Passionate. Mysterious. Exhilarating. Intimate. Magical. Sweet. Tender. Enjoyable. Relaxing. Or even sometimes, “just OK”. But after experiencing infertility, miscarriage, or pregnancy or infant loss- sex can also be many more things. It can be complicated. Scary. Triggering. Painful. Sad. Or nonexistent. For many couples, there’s this weighty feeling when it comes to sex of “can you (or even should you) experience joy or pleasure when your heart is so unbelievably broken?”
At their core, infertility and pregnancy and infant loss share one major thing in common: grief. For some couples, it may be the grief of losing a baby. For others, it may be the grief of what they imagined life would look like, the loss of time, or the loss of their natural fertility. Grief, no matter its cause or its form, is complicated.
Sex is vulnerable, and when you are already in a tender state of grief in the midst of infertility or loss, sex can be really triggering. Your relationship with your partner might be a little more fragile than it used to be. You might be reminded of when you got pregnant with your baby who died. You may be so focused on fertile windows and timed intercourse that sex just feels like a not-so-fun task and is just a transaction done to try to conceive a baby. You may feel conflicted about wanting to get pregnant after a loss, but then feel guilty for even thinking about conceiving again so soon or you may feel terrified or anxious at the idea of ever getting pregnant again. Of course, sex is as unique as the couple, but there are common emotions and mind frames many couples going through infertility or loss may experience.
Mindset #1: “Don’t even think about it”
Sex may be the very last thing you’re in the mood for or you may even avoid it like the plague. If you’re not in a “fertile window” and trying to get pregnant, you may find yourself instantly shutting down at the mere mention of sex or you may even feel yourself cringe or start to panic at your partner’s touch. You may wait to go to bed until after they’re sound asleep or you may do everything in your power to make sure they don’t catch a glimpse of you naked after a shower to ensure they don’t get any ideas. One member of our Catalyst for Courage online community shared, “Ever since my miscarriage, I am just never interested in sex. I know I obviously need to have sex if I ever want to have a baby, it just doesn’t seem appealing and the desire is just not there at all.”
It’s important to give yourself grace and remember that feeling this way can actually be very normal. Grief and sex are both a combination of physical, emotional, and cognitive experiences, so it makes sense that sex would be affected by grief. Grief increases the stress chemicals in your brain and can make it physiologically more difficult to feel interested in sex. If you were someone who had a very active, healthy, and lively sex life before infertility and loss entered the picture, losing interest in sex can carry its own grief.
If you are struggling with a “don’t even think about it” mindset when it comes to sex, talking with your partner about it can be hugely helpful. Talking about what you’re feeling together can ensure your partner knows your loss of interest in sex isn’t about them and can allow for better communication between you. It can be helpful to discuss and be intentional about including other types of intimacy together that allow for closeness and physical contact, even if sex is off the table for now.
If having sex is something you miss and you are trying to get your sex drive back, it can be helpful to have open, honest, and no-pressure conversations about it with your partner. If you and your partner mutually agree through safe, good, and honest communication, you could consider together trying to have sex even if you aren’t in the mood (*but you should never feel pressured to have sex against your will). Another Catalyst for Courage online community member said, “It’s so hard to get past the mental hurdle to even start having sex. But if I can do that, once I am actually having sex I do genuinely enjoy it and it usually does make me feel better. I just have to really force myself to get started”. Sometimes the process of touch can get you in the mood when you weren’t previously. Over time, this type of perseverance to be together intimately with your partner even if you weren’t initially in the mood can help to rewire your brain from dreading or avoiding sex to desiring it again.
Mindset #2: Have sex, then cry.
One minute you’re having sex. One minute later you’re crying. You feel the desire and longing to be with you partner, but suddenly- out of nowhere- you’re triggered. Maybe you’re remembering that the last time you had sex you were still pregnant. Or maybe your doctor told you IVF would likely be your only chance to conceive and you’re grieving that sex with your partner will likely never give you a baby. Or maybe you don’t even know why you were triggered in the first place, yet here you are- triggered and crying again during sex. A Catalyst for Courage online community member said, “Every time I try to have sex it is super triggering for me. I don’t know how I’ll never be able to enjoy sex again.”
If you find yourself triggered and crying during sex, know that you’re not alone. Infertility and losing a baby can both be traumatic experiences. You feeling triggered is just your brain and your body responding in a very normal way to the trauma you have experienced. If you find yourself crying during or after sex, I would encourage you to just let yourself cry. Don’t try to hold it back or shut down what you’re feeling- let the tears come. Crying is one of your body’s natural ways of releasing stress- and stress is something you might be feeling (consciously or unconsciously) during sex for some time after experiencing the trauma of infertility or loss. So let the tears flow without shame and trust that you are healing- recovery from trauma just takes time.
If you’re feeling super triggered often during sex, you may want to consider taking sex off the table for a little while as you pursue healing. When you find yourself feeling ready to start having sex again, it can be helpful to start off by taking things really slow. By taking it slow, you can more clearly notice and identify the things about sex that are triggering to you and talk about those triggers with your partner. Sometimes triggers can be easier to manage if we’re not blindsided by them, so identifying what the triggers are and when they come can be really helpful.
It can also be extremely helpful to talk to a professional who is trained and equipped to help you (and your partner!) walk through the trauma of infertility and loss and can support you to navigate the triggers experienced during sex. Your mental and emotional health are just as important as your physical health. Your healing matters and there is no shame at all in asking for help!
Mindset #3: Heightened insecurity and super complicated self-image and relationship with your body.
Infertility and the loss of a baby in pregnancy or after can really alter your relationship with your body. It’s normal to feel angry or that your body has failed you or your baby. You may see scars from infertility surgery, a few extra pounds from all the hormone injections with no pregnancy to show for it, fresh stretch marks from your pregnancy with your baby who died, or you may just feel that you don’t deserve to or don’t want to feel “good” because you are so incredibly heartbroken. Sex can feel like it’s highlighting and exposing the areas you are already feeling really vulnerable and exposed.
It can be really helpful to integrate a practice of intentional tenderness towards your body. When you’re struggling with feeling like your body has failed you and/or your baby, try to think of and remember all of the things your body can do and is doing. It is carrying you. It is nourishing you. It is holding you. Speak tenderly and kindly to yourself and your body (outloud!) and learn to celebrate all of the amazing things your body can do and is doing for you every single day. A practice like this can be incredibly healing to your self-confidence and your relationship with your body- which can also be incredibly healing to your relationship with your partner and can help create a safe and happy environment for any future pregnancy and baby.
Mindset #4: Check ovulation: positive. Text husband: “Sex, now.” Legs in the air. Repeat every 48 hours for 5 days.
Infertility or trying to get pregnant again after a loss can be a great way to squeeze every last drop of fun and excitement out of your sex life. Sex in these circumstances can feel like just a transaction where your body may be having sex but your heart and mind are totally absent. Over time, this type of transactional and scheduled sex with your partner can feel draining and can also negatively affect your intimacy.
If you’re feeling like your love-making has turned into strictly baby-making, it may be helpful to try to be intentionally intimate with your partner during times that are outside your fertile window. It’s really important to remember you and your partner were in love before your experience with infertility and/or loss and to make your relationship with one another a priority. Having a strong, close relationship with one another will be really helpful to get through any difficult season you may face in life, including the challenges of parenthood. Your experience with infertility or loss will impact your relationship, but it doesn’t have to define it. While sex can be a method of procreation, that isn’t all that it is. Sex can also be a stress-reliever, a mood-booster, a feel-good activity, and a really fun and enjoyable way to connect with your partner.
Mindset #5: Conflicting emotions of wanting to get pregnant while also hoping you don’t get pregnant.
If you’ve experienced the loss of a baby in pregnancy or after, it’s very normal to want to have another baby while also feeling so scared to become pregnant again that you don’t want to become pregnant again because there’s no possible way you could ever survive another loss. A part of you is hoping this month may be the month, but the other part of you is dreading the anticipated anxiety you know you will feel if you do see those two pink lines. Maybe you’re intentionally avoiding having sex during your fertile window or maybe you’re doubling up on birth control. Either way, you may be feeling stuck in both the fear of being pregnant again and the desire to be pregnant again. It doesn’t make sense, yet it makes perfect sense.
Pregnancy after loss is an incredibly difficult journey- there’s no sugar coating that. And even if you have the best and most supportive partner in the world, pregnancy after loss is something nobody else can go through for you. It’s you that has to get up in the middle of the night with your heart racing because you have to use the bathroom and you’re terrified of seeing blood. It’s you that is wondering if that was really the baby kicking or if it was the burrito you ate for lunch. It’s you compulsively checking to make sure your boobs are still sore or analyzing your morning sickness just for some reassurance that everything is fine. It’s you counting kicks in the middle of the night wanting to be sure your baby is still alive. It can all feel really overwhelming. While a part of you wants to be pregnant again, the other part of you just wants to survive and be able to just breathe and face the day without the additional anxiety and complexity that you know comes with the territory of being pregnant after loss.
And if you’re not pregnant yet but are deciding when to try again, know that it’s OK to take your time. There is no rush and only you and your partner know if and when it’s time to try again. Some couples may feel ready to try to conceive again as soon as they are physically and medically able. Others may not feel ready for months or even years after a loss. Some couples may even decide that they don’t want to ever try to conceive again, and that is a completely valid decision as well. Only you and your partner know what’s best for you, and any decision you make regarding if or when to try to conceive again after a loss deserves to be supported.
If you become pregnant again after a loss, it’s really important to take it one day at a time. It can seem like an eternity waiting on your baby to be born safely, or for the next trimester to start, or even for your next doctor’s appointment or scan, so taking it one day at a time is essential to managing the anxiety you may be feeling. It’s also OK if you need extra support during pregnancy after loss. Working with a professional counselor, coach, or doula who specializes in pregnancy after loss can be a game changer with helping you learn to manage your anxiety and actually enjoy your pregnancy.
Sex after infertility and pregnancy or infant loss is complicated.
As you and your partner work together to get through the various mindsets that come with sex after infertility and loss, it’s really important to give yourself and your partner lots of grace. Take as much time as you need to pursue healing and seek support- it can take time to physically, mentally, or emotionally be ready to have sex again after going through infertility and loss. Give it time, and just know that these mindsets won’t last forever. Sex can be enjoyable again and you and your partner can have a healthy and happy sex life even in the midst of infertility, loss, or pregnancy after loss. I’m rooting for you. If you want more support with reclaiming your sex, download my free PDF on 13 Tips to Better Sex After Infertility & Loss.
If you would like even more individualized support navigating sex and intimacy after infertility, pregnancy loss, or infant loss, I’d love to set up a free 30-minute consultation with you to help you discover your path forward to better sex. You are not alone!
