“When the things I thought made me healthy did the complete opposite…” Nicky’s Hypothalamic Amenorrhea Recovery Journey
I am so excited to introduce Nicky Chapman to you all and the wisdom, experience, and expertise she has to share. Nicky lives in Victoria, Australia is a part-time Certified Integrative Health Coach and a full-time Mama to Romee, her daughter who was conceived naturally after Nicky’s journey of recovering her period and fertility after experiencing an eating disorder and hypothalamic amenorrhea. Our experiences with infertility, loss, and pregnancy after infertility and loss can be extremely stressful experiences, often causing us to “double-down” and keep a white-knuckle grip on anything that we can attempt to control. When so much of these difficult journeys are out of our control, one thing many of us may cling to is the control of our bodies- what foods we put into them and the energy we burn out of them through exercise. When all we want is to conceive, carry to term, and deliver a healthy baby from our bodies, it can be easy to slip into a habit of becoming consumed with our physical health, nutrition, and fitness. Our society, culture, social norms, and impossible beauty standards we all grew up with can also exacerbate this mentality with things like “magic” weight loss pills and supplements, diet and exercise trends and fads, and promoting only “thin” or “fit” bodies as beautiful or attractive. While caring about and investing in our health, nutrition, and fitness is often a good thing, sometimes we can take it a bit too far sometimes and what was intended to make us healthy can actually do the opposite. Thankfully, our bodies can let us know when something is out of balance. It’s up to us to decide if we are ready to listen.
Nicky’s personal story, beliefs, and her journey to healing may not look like yours. You may have an entirely different diagnosis, situation, or history factoring into your ability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term. But if you are struggling to conceive and have a history of missing periods, irregular periods, absent periods, very light periods, anovulatory cycles, or a negative body image that led to disordered eating habits or over exercising- I encourage you to read Nicky’s story with an open mind and a hope that improving your health, fertility, and chances of conceiving naturally is possible.
Nicky’s Story
After overcoming Anorexia as a teenager, I turned to the health and fitness industry as my new way of coping. It’s only looking back that I realize now that while my tendencies to control my weight weren’t as drastic as they were before when I was not eating, they were still controlling, obsessive and unhealthy. In actual fact my Eating Disorder never really left, it more so morphed into Orthorexia (an unhealthy focus on eating in a healthy way) which is much easier to mask and sadly somewhat glorified by society.
I don’t remember a holiday I went on without having a workout game plan, I don’t remember a week I missed a Monday fasted HIIT session, and I don’t remember an event I didn’t stress over, strategically restricting my calorie intake surrounding it. My life revolved around energy input/output, and food and exercise were more often than not at the forefront of my mind.
As much as I didn’t want to admit, I was aware I had a tendency to fixate a bit too intensely on controlling my body size - especially when I was stressed or if my self-esteem was low. At the time, this was all I really knew as a coping mechanism, and I’d convinced myself I was just being extra healthy. I didn’t realize these were self-sabotaging behaviors that masked all sorts of insecurities and beliefs, and I didn’t really even realize quite how wrapped up in it all I had become.
It wasn’t until I got a necessary little wake up from my body when my period went awol and I was diagnosed with Hypothalamic Amenorrhea that I realized perhaps I’d taken it a bit far, and perhaps these coping mechanisms weren’t so “healthy” after all.
Hypothalamic Amenorrhea (HA) is a hormonal imbalance primarily caused by too much stress on the body. It’s technically defined as the lack of a menstrual cycle for 3 or more consecutive months (for no underlying medical reasons or pregnancy).
Restrictive eating, over-exercising, emotional stress (or a combo) essentially create an energy deficit & suppress the release of ovarian hormones by the hypothalamus (hence the name). This causes reproduction to be put on hold, as the body doesn’t have enough energy and needs to conserve fuel for more critical body processes. Other than a missing period, signs of HA include: feeling cold all the time, low libido, digestive issues, difficulty sleeping, anxiety/depression, low energy, and weak or brittle hair and nails.
HA is important to address, and not only for fertility & reproductive health. Our menstrual cycles are a powerful diagnostic tool connected to all our internal systems and organs, indicative of homeostasis in the body. Our cycles help slow down the aging process, heighten libido, reduce oxidative stress and inflammation, and act as a natural cleanser for the body. More noteworthy, there are long-term impacts a missing cycle can have on your heart and bone health*.
Realizing what the implications of HA meant for my health scared me witless, and that was one thing. Realizing what I had done in terms of my fertility at a time where we wanted to start a family was another, and it devastated me. I wanted a baby more than anything, and yet I’d gotten myself so physically and mentally stressed that my body didn’t feel safe enough to let me conceive or carry one.
Like most women with HA, I frantically started absorbing all the information I could. I read Nicola Rinaldi’s book “No Period, Now What”, listened to podcasts, joined FB groups, saw all sorts of medical professionals (some more helpful than others) and got clear on the goal: eat more, do less - though, easier said than done.
Making the necessary lifestyle changes like increasing calories and reducing exercise took many months. I’d take a few steps forward, and then a few steps backwards, going through stages of denial, frustration, victim mentality and getting stuck in ‘quasi’ recovery on multiple occasions. After years of labelling food as “good” or “bad” and evaluating my virtue as a person on my ability to remain disciplined at all times, I found it challenging to enjoy and appreciate food without feelings of guilt and punishment. I didn’t like relaxing, I didn’t like feeling full, and I didn’t like seeing my physical appearance change. I felt soft, weak, and scared that it wasn’t going to work. I wanted to throw in the towel and give up so many times I lost count.
It was really hard on not only me, but my partner who had to watch me muck around with my health and fertility all because my self-worth was so tightly tied up in my appearance.
The thing with HA recovery is that the concept is so simple in theory, and it’s simple to people who don’t have to do it or who don’t have the behavioral tendencies associated with it. The actual implication of it is complex. Healing means more than getting your period back- it’s about healing your relationship with your body, reconditioning yourself, reevaluating your identity, forgiving yourself, and letting go of control. It isn’t a process that magically happens overnight and it really takes a lot of inner work and persistence to push through the roller coaster of uncomfortable emotions that come up along the way.
Months passed and I gradually learned how to cope without turning to exercise. I rediscovered my hobbies and passions and turned to spiritually, eastern medicine, yoga, meditation, journalling, nature, and community.
My understanding of “healthy” was completely flipped upside down as I developed more conscious practices and coping mechanisms that helped me enjoy life without being so preoccupied with controlling my body. I started to have fun with it. Challenging food fears became less about breaking restrictive habits and more about enjoying the little things, like a slow Sunday morning with my partner, getting breakfast at the markets, or letting him choose which takeout we’d get on a Friday night without me freaking out about the nutritional value,
Months continued to pass, and slowly I started noticing symptoms of hormonal fluctuations (temperature changes, cervical mucous, etc). While I was optimistic, I was not convinced that recovery was working quickly enough. I needed something more and decided to book in with a fertility specialist for reassurance, or something. I couldn’t see her straight away and was put on a three month waiting list anyway, so on with my recovery I went.
My recovery journey continued with steps forwards, backwards, and sideways. I was definitely committed by now, but like so many other women on this journey - I was also impatient. Another hard pill to swallow in HA recovery is that the time it takes each one of us to recover is so extremely unique.
As I continued my journey of waiting and recovery I started reading a book called “Spirit Babies: How to Communicate with the Child You’re Meant to Have” by Walter Makichen, an author and renowned clairvoyant. It is a little woo-woo, but it gave me the hope I so desperately sought after. The principle of the book is that there is a baby spirit out there waiting for you to be open, waiting for you to let go of any negative energy, and forgive yourself for any previous beliefs that you’re unworthy of becoming a mother. It teaches you how to communicate with the spirit via visualization and chakra meditation. Every night I would read a chapter and practice a meditation. Every night I would tell myself that I was worthy enough to become a mother, that I understood why I'd needed to go through this recovery journey, and that I forgave myself. I found so much benefit in incorporating this into my day, and it truly helped me continue on.
Eventually the day of my fertility appointment arrived. I’d worked myself into such a state prior that I walked in and burst into tears almost immediately. The specialist was quite cold with me, one of those real straight up type characters. She told me the facts, and gave me all sorts of options, and action plans, lastly looking through my bloodwork - previous and recent. Then, she looked at me and simply stated “actually you might not need me”… “looks like by these results you may very well have ovulated a few weeks ago, let’s just wait and see what happens with your period because it might be just around the corner.” As it turns out, she was right- I had ovulated naturally and my period would’ve been due back around that following weekend. However somehow, by some miracle, we had instead timed this ovulation perfectly and I was actually already a few weeks pregnant. If that isn’t the wildest timing, I don’t know what is.
Whilst I wished that I could’ve done it quicker, or made it easier by resisting less, the time it took me to recover and conceive was invaluable. I learnt more about myself during that period of time than I had in my entire life - most importantly how to approach health from a place of love and respect for myself. This was a powerful lesson not just for myself, but for my daughter too. The last thing I ever want is to pass down a body image complex to my daughter, and while I know I can’t protect her from everything, mending my relationship with my body was a damn good start.
If you have lost your period due to Hypothalamic Amenorrhea, I’ll include a few foundational components for you to assess in recovery + some resources I have found helpful below. Please note, each and every one of our bodies are unique so the time + exact steps in which it takes to heal will also be unique.
FUEL YOUR BODY
Fasting, under eating, restricting/eliminating important macronutrients (carbohydrates, fats or protein) can really mess up your hormones. All macronutrients play an essential role in hormone production, hormone health, and metabolic function. Ensuring you’re eating enough to adequately fuel current energy needs is crucial.
ASSESS YOUR WORKOUT REGIME
HIIT/running are more than likely going to hinder your healing journey as they’re too taxing on your body and only further increase your stress hormones. Rest is essential & if you like; some gentle yoga, stretching & slow walks can be beneficial for mental health as well as to help you cope while you work on healing your body.
REDUCE YOUR OVERALL STRESS
Stress is a natural physical and mental reaction to life experiences, essentially like a survival technique built into the body as a means of protection. When triggers arise, the sympathetic nervous system signals the ''fight or flight" response which helps your body respond and take action via the production of cortisol + adrenaline. This is beneficial at times, however your body doesn't always know the difference between good stress (hence the need to reduce exercise) and bad stress (emotional, mental & environmental type). Both are perceived by the body as threatening, causing our body to be on constant high alert. The continuous production of cortisol/adrenaline overtime can impact things like digestion, immunity, blood sugar/, blood pressure, and of course - our reproductive hormones. Some external factors are hard to eliminate entirely- including the stressors related to fertility challenges- so it’s beneficial to find ways to mitigate the affects of stress (like ensuring you are getting adequate rest, practicing daily-self care, & setting boundaries).
Resources
“No Period, Now What” book by Nicola Rinaldi (as mentioned above)
The Hypothalamic Amenorrhea Podcast by Dani Sheriff
Holistic Health Radio by Sarah Liz King
I am also a Certified Integrative Health Coach as well as an ambassador for the HA society if you are looking for individualized or group coaching/support with recovery. You can find me on Instagram @thewellnessantidote or through my website https://thewellnessantidote.squarespace.com/.
Lastly, know mental and physical healing are very much an exercise in patience, and it can be frustratingly difficult to embrace the uncertainty of it all- I know that. Believe in yourself, remember that your body wants to heal if given the chance, and resting right now is the healthiest thing you can do for it despite what you’ve been conditioned to believe. And, while you’re going through it all - talk it out, connect with people, try new things, and get the support you need and deserve along the way.
You will heal when you’re ready to heal.
xx
Nicky
*https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28658709/
